If you REALLY wanna k!ck @ss, try the 1:1 scale stuff from
...yeah, good stuff for ventilating dear ol Ben ;-)
Not Dead!Hey there! This is Wedge. Most everyone is gone from the office at this hour, so since I've no one to torment with my new toy, I decided to actually work on my half of the page update so that John doesn't kick my ass.
We've got new AVIs on the Half-Life section of our page, so go check them out!
I'm just going to brag about how I own the coolest toy ever. It's a miniature battery-powered M-16 that shoots tiny, evil hard plastic pellets. It's fully automatic and delivers approximately 15 welts per second to anyone unfortunate enough to be caught between the sights when I'm on a maniac shooting spree. So the day this thing comes in, I'm pelting just about everyone at Valve. In fact, I've prepared a list of the three people at Valve that I most enjoying shooting, and why:
Doug is the greatest of all victims because he mutters "Ow." each time I fire at him, whether I hit him or not. As an added bonus, although I can't quite shoot Doug from my office, I have a clear line of sight to the metal blinds on the window directly adjacent to his workstation. I would think that having a volley of hard plastic pellets smash into metal blinds 4 feet from your head would derail anyone's train of thought, but Doug keeps working. I secretly suspect that Doug started cranking his headphone volume through the roof after the first attack of this type.
I enjoy shooting Ben because he's Ben. Other people at Valve ask to borrow my gun so they too can shoot Ben. I then shoot them, and they leave. Only I may shoot Ben. For a dollar, I will shoot Ben for you.
From the comfort of my desk, if I get the angle just right I can shoot pellets directly through the doorway and into Kelly's office. At random times throughout the day I'll just crank off a nice four to six round burst of hard plastic death that ricochets wildly about his office, hopefully pelting him about the head and chest. More recently, I began writing email that made very specific demands of Kelly. I usually demanded a tribute of between 40 to 60 assorted flavor Jelly Belly jelly beans and then threatened to fire a hail of pellets into his office every fifteen minutes, beginning at the top of the hour, until my demands were met. Following recent negotiations I now have more Jelly Bellies than I could ever eat.
Lately some of my trendier co-workers have discovered that, much to my dismay, their corduroy clothing acts as a sort of Brady Bunch body armor that deadens the impact of my pellets. Ben Morris was the first to shrug off one of my ambushes, grinning as blue plastic pellets rolled down the front of his thick, thrift-shop trendy, fresh-from-Canada corduroy pullover. I did the only reasonable thing: I raked my line of fire back and forth real good across the unprotected flesh of his exposed hands and forearms. Harry Teasley's ultra-thick corduroy flak suits have proven completely inpenetrable. Although I originally purchased this gun with the sole intent of shooting Harry, I shall have to find another way to do him harm.
The instruction manual that came with the gun is almost as cool as the gun itself. If you've ever read an original Creative Labs Soundblaster manual (the old ones from the 386 days) or if you buy many toys or novelty items direct from Asia or Japan, you may know what I'm talking about. You get these manuals that try to teach you the basic common sense issues surrounding your new purchase ( don't shoot anyone's eyes, don't drop it, don't eat the pellets, etc ). The problem is, it doesn't seem that whomever translated the text in the manual speaks English OR the language that the manual was originally written in, which usually makes for some pretty funny reading. I have a small collection of such manuals and although the text in this one isn't nearly as funny as some of my others, the diagrams are priceless. John insists that we share them with you, so here are a few pages from the manual:
I've managed to lose almost all of the 150 pellets that came with my rifle. I'm down to my last 20 or so, which should hold until the extra ones that I ordered arrive. I know that the guy that vacuums our offices hates me. He comes around and you can hear the vacuum cleaner sucking up tons of pellets from the floor he gets this sort of "What the hell..." look on his face as the first few go clicking their way through the vacuum's hose. I'd do a better job of picking them up, but most people won't let me into their offices after I shoot them. Don't forget to pick up the latest round of Half-Life movies! Now I'm going to go shoot my eye out. See ya!
Wedge & Choryoth.